Stacy

Lyrics to a song I wrote...

you say you are one

above it all

but your just

another pawn

you say you are

too crass for it

if you even

care at all 

i've seen the truth

i wont be abused

i've seen you too

sell your abuse

any willing soul

to fill the hole

where your heart use to be

just a drama queen

i hate the way

you make me feel

another slave

to join the ranks

you need a thousand men

a thousand more

but there's a million of you

and they're all whores

C.R.

Endeth the Sun God

In the beginning the vast communities of life were confined to the oceans. In his omnipotence the Sun God saw fit to allow some of the creatures to walk upon land for the first time in the world's history. The monotony of plant life grew after some time and the Sun God wished to see a new element in the kingdom he watched over. Under the sweet warmth of his rays life grew accustomed to the new world. Among his favored were the Surem. These humble people were peace loving and gentle and saw no need for government. They saw within themselves a profound respect for nature and the benevolence of the sun. Animals and earth found comfort in their presence and allowed themselves to be heard. Wise and ominous whispers were heard from the hooting owls, pranks and jokes from the crow, and the earth spoke of bountiful crops that only asked for the warm rays and the moist banks of the river in return.

Kahe'eme was among the Surem and often fell into thought about nature's awe striking gift. He was raised a hunter and would often find himself wandering the woods lost deep within his mind. There was always a kind of serenity found within the domain of the trees. Often the wind would rush through the canopies above and through the tangled mess of branches and would be interpreted as secrets and premonitions of the future. Kahe'eme on his current trek though felt a different kind of vibration reverberating through the empty spaces between the trees. Deep in the woods there was heard a faint rumbling. Kehe'eme found the souce, a great tree with a beautiful green canopy and small yellow flowers peeking through the tangled branches. Almost as if sensing the young native's presence the tree gave off another shutter and the roots that stuck up from the dry soil vibrated.

In all of his life the young man had never seen such a reaction from the trees and the birds that surrounded him offered no solace. With wind at his back  Kehe'eme rushed back to the rancheria. "Anastasio!" Kahe'eme called for his brother who stood at the bank of the river that ran through their land.

Anastasio turned abruptly brandishing a sour face at being disturbed. "What is it brother?"

Kahe'eme was out of breath but did not hesitate to use whatever was available to tell his story. "The woods brother..." each segment stuffed between his heavy panting, "there is a tree...it shook...I don't know...I don't think I have ever seen it before...and it shook brother...but I could not understand it."

"Calm brother," Anastasio grew worrisome at his younger brother's state. "Let us fetch the wise man, he will know what the tree is trying to say."

There were multiple rancherias that lined the furtive river and once word had reached the natives of the mysterious shuttering tree a party had emerged of elected wise men. Leading the party was young Kahe'eme still wielding his poison tipped arrows and bow and was followed closely by Anastasio. Upon arrival of the tree the wise men were also found clueless but studied diligently each and every movement of the tree.

"These vibrations are hard to read." Said one.

"It is speaking in another language." Said another.

"The ancient language?"

"Have not heard it in a long time."

"Have we forgotten how to speak it?"

"Sea Hamut would know, she speaks the language often."

And so the first idea had come about and the wise men sat quietly listening to the vibrations of the tree while Kahe'eme and Anastasio left to bring Sea Hamut.  It was said that Sea Hamut was the first to step foot onto the the land and be taught the ancient language from the sun who had told her "Go now and be fruitful. Live with the earth and not off of it, show respect to my kingdom and you will never know sickness, you will never know what is to die."

Sea Hamut welcomed her people and urged them to spread forth and enjoy the bounties that the Sun God had to offer. Springing forth from the fertile plains and blessed by golden rays of sunshine came crops yielding maize, wheat, and tobacco and provided the Surem their sustenance. In return the Surem cared for the land as if it were human and carefully tended to its needs. The relationship between them brought out a deep understanding of agriculture and the people became experts in farming. In the beginning Sea Hamut spoke often to the sun but over time their conversations diminished and the earth began to spread its influence teaching its own language to the Surem causing the ancient words to be lost and forgotten. But Sea Hamut remembered and joined Kahe'eme and Anastasio at the tree to interpret the vibrations.

Sea Hamut closed her eyes and allowed the tree to speak. It did not take long for the tree to respond and give itself a great shutter. With eyes full of fear Sea Hamut revealed the message, "The great tree says the end of the Surem is upon us." A gasp throughout the group of wise men. "Savage invaders will encroach on our land and disrupt the unity of our people. These invaders will yield agricultural changes as well as changes to our culture." A bigger and final shutter from the tree. "This is inevitable."

Upon hearing the message the wise men hurriedly returned to their respective rancherias and forwarded the tree's words. Wide spread fear ensued and many Surem returned to the ocean so that their fate was not controlled by the savage invaders. The Sun God saw the cowardice in the Surem as they fled and grew irate turning them into various animals. Those who maintained their strength became defensive and their hunting tools became instruments of war. No longer were they people of peace, they had lost their way and the Sun God would continue to the watch over them but no longer give immortality. The Surem were dead, and those that remained became the Yaqui.

Kehe'eme once again found himself to be a pioneer of change when the two Jesuits left their small boat and walked onto the land. Never before had Kahe'eme laid eyes on such a peculiar people, the Jesuits had been thinking the same. Their skin was fair, their hands were without blisters and callus, and their bodies lacked the ceremonial makings and piercings. They wore long brown cotton robes with a chord made of horse hair wrapped around their waist. Unlike the Yaqui, the Jesuits eyes were a beautiful blue and looked upon the land hungrily and plotted the native's future demise.

"Are you the savage invaders we have been warned of?" Kahe'eme was the first to speak.

But the Jesuits were confused at the foreign language and eyed him closely. Neither of the two knew the intentions of the young dark skinned native and so approached him apprehensively. "We come in the spirit of Jehova, the creator." But again the language barrier prevented any understanding.

The Jesuits were lead to the wise men of the rancheria, but once again only Sea Hamut was expected to interpret. Kahe'eme and Anastasio remained close by when the two missionaries spoke to the old woman. "Who is Jehova?" Was her response.

"Jehova is the creator, our one true God."

"Why have you strayed so far from your God?" Clearly the peculiar facets of the Jesuits represented a different God of a differing world.

"God is with us always, he is our guide and the enforcer of good and justice."

"You need your god to enforce goodness?" The idea seemed farcical when the Yaquis were accustomed to goodness being as natural as the light given to them by the sun.

"How do you enforce justice?" The words lost on even Sea Hamut. "What is done when one of your people acts against the interest of others?"

But the Yaqui had no conception of such acts. Anastasio being naive thought nothing of what the Jesuits were saying and thus feared not what their presence entailed. Kahe'eme though was not so aloof and saw the poison in their words. The ears of his people were very receptive, and the idea of acting against ones own people entered their understanding. The seeds of unrest and dissolution of their unity were planted in the same words intended to the do the opposite.

"We are people of the sun, and hold this land very near to our hearts." Sea Hamut spoke the words with conviction. The Jesuits understood the intended weight to her comment but felt themselves to be much smarter and could manipulate the simple minded natives.

"We respect your culture completely, we only wish to support and educate your people."

But the Yaqui conviction of peace and respect for nature by no means lead to the assertion that they were any less intelligent. Sea Hamut could see that the Jesuits looked upon them as savages, but saw an opportunity to improve the well being of her people through the education that they offered.

"We are humbled by your kindness." Sea Hamut smirked knowing perfectly well she had played into the hands of the foreigners. Little did she know the open door would cause the fall of her people and the destruction of the Yaqui.

At first it was only the two Jesuits that visited the rancherias carrying tools and speaking of technology that the Yaqui had no idea of. They explained how their crops were massive and yielded a much higher return. Better irrigation techniques were implemented and healthier more successful seeds were planted. As the Jesuits passed on their knowledge of farming they also taught the Yaqui the 'civil' language all the while whispering tales of their God. Everything was in terms of their God rather than giving the earth the deserved respect. When Kehe'eme would mention the Sun God the Jesuits would cringe and often request to aid in saving his soul.

Within a week many of the Yaqui from weakness had assimilated to the new religion. Kehe'eme and Anastasio remained strong though against the growing faith as well as other Yaqui who had remembered the tree's forewarning. Slowly the Jesuits began bringing more missionaries to the point where there was as much as twenty at one time. Numbers of the converted began to grow as the Jesuits become more successful at spreading their faith. Seeing the large number of Yaqui acquiescing so readily to the invaders filled Kehe'eme with doubt for the strength of his tribe. The animals had stopped speaking and the earth ceased to yield it's secrets and the Sun God saw his people straying form the path.

"Sea Hamut, what is to become of our people?" Kehe'eme in his doubt sought the wisdom of the most wisest.

She had become quite elderly and saw the condition of her health as a punishment for the Yaqui losing their way. "We have been poisoned, we have allowed ourselves this path." A single tear rolled down her cheek. "I allowed them entrance to our land with the expectation that our people would be able to accept their knowledge without losing sight of the truth. But these people are manipulative. They use fear and death to herd people into their way of thinking."

"So what is to become of us?"

"Many will follow them out of fear, out of ignorance. But a time is coming young one, I can see it in their eyes when they look at those who are faithful to the old ways. "

"What do you see?"

"I see fear in there eyes. They fear that we stand to disrupt their conversion. They intend to control the minds of our people so that they can rape our land, and we stand in their way."

"So what will happen to us?" Kehe'eme was rightfully frightened.

"What happens to all weeds that stand as imperfections in there gardens." Sea Hamut stared upwards towards the sun. "I have heard my final message." Kehe'eme listened closely. "With you the Sun God ends." Without warning Sea Hamut turned pale white and breathed no more.

The death of Sea Hamut marked an eventful change. The Jesuits capitalized on the moral of the resistors and one day the missionaries brought with them a group of a hundred men covered in metal and armed with weapons the like that the Yaqui had never seen. While words of the Jesuits proclaimed they were peaceful, their presence seemed anything but. Kehe'eme with the help of Anastasio gathered men to stand up against the invaders once and for all. The great tree had warned them of this, turning the tribe of farmers into warriors. Now was the time that they would ensure the privacy of their land and the Sun God would would retake his rightful place. The Sun God smiled upon their futile attempts and was pleased.

It was a complete shock when Kehe'eme and his group attacked the invaders. With poison tipped arrows, sharpened hatchets, spears and rock slings the group of natives attacked without mercy. But the invaders were well aimed and their weapons sharper and more efficient at killing. The battle was quick but ended with the Jesuits and their army fleeing. Kehe'eme had achieved a great success in pushing out the invaders, but suffered greatly in the Yaqui that had died. Some who had converted saw Kahe'eme's strength and felt inspired, coming back to the traditional system. Even those that wished to remain under the new faith felt their land was in danger and so pledged their allegiance to Kahe'eme.

The next day only one Jesuit returned and wished only to speak to Kahe'eme, the elected war leader. "You have turned against us and Jehova."

"Jehova may be your god, but he is not mine. I will not allow you or Jehova to take what is rightfully ours."

"This is all Jehova's land, he created it."

"Do not take me as such a fool to attribute the perfection of my world to your silly god. Know this, we will only release our land to you in death. Do not return." And with that Kahe'eme excused himself and had the Jesuit return to his home.

Joyous were the Yaqui when Kahe'eme had shown great strength. Great fear though consumed the morning that the invaders returned in greater numbers and were not looking for conversation. The Yaqui though were ready and also stood with more fighters, prepared to take an on their enemies. It was the invaders who initiated the fight but Kahe'eme returned the blow with great force. The foreign invaders could  not dare to imagine how powerful the Yaqui resistance was, even against their superior weapons. Once again Kahe'eme suffered great losses but was able to turn the enemy away.

Despite yet another loss the invaders made another attempt, though this time under the cover of darkness where there sun did not reign.  There were some Yaqui sympathetic to the invaders and late one evening granted a group of assassins access to Kahe'eme as he slept. Caught in a heavy slumber there was not much that he could do to defend himself. Kahe'eme was brutally beaten to near death. When nothing more could be done he was beheaded and with his blood the assassins wrote on the wall, "And so endeth the Sun God." And all of the Yaqui could see that they had lost.

Anastasio grew in rage and brought together a war party and struck against the invaders. In their attempt the party was defeated and Anastasio captured. All the Yaqui gathered around as Anastasio was hung and saw the death of the old ways. The Sun God looked upon the creatures before him and could see not the remains of the Surem. The Yaqui had been defeated but maintained their resolve. The people would adapt and change accordingly with time, and as always those resistant would find it fatal. And so endeth the Sun God.


C.R.

Temporary Elation

This day was different. It was relieving to experience a weather pattern other than the sweltering heat of the arid desert. Caleb sat upon a stone  bench curved into the shape of the letter 'U'. The bench was constructed of a mixture of rounded pebbles and angular stones cast into a hard cement mix. The seats were white and solid stone with no cushioning. This particular bench that supported Caleb's increasingly sore buttocks resided underneath a large and well aged oak tree that graciously allowed it's canopy to stretch forward like an umbrella and offer shelter to the space below it. Usually the reliable canopy became a haven for those desperately seeking shade for the sun's intense rays, but today with an overcast sky it became a shelter from the rain. Asserting that the gloomy sky was grey is no exaggeration for the whole campus seemed to be engulfed in the sky's mood, the people reacting accordingly in both fashion and states of their minds. Some risked the chance for a heavy downpour and still adorned colorful shorts and that would not prove to be protective in the event that they were wrong, but so far they were not.

Instead of a torrential downpour that most who had decided to hide themselves inside cozy sweatshirts and heavy jackets expected, a consistent light drizzle was all that came forth from the dense layer of clouds above. The drizzle was nice, especially underneath the protective canopy of the oak tree. By no means was the beautiful sturdy oak under-maintained and so though the foliage caught most of the light rain every once in a while a single drop still cold from the chilly morning air would come down and land upon the bench. Caleb sat motionless in between small sips of his mocha cappuccino watching as people walked by. Caleb allowed his mind to wonder mindlessly observing but completely absorbed within the confines of his thoughts. 'What' he frequented mentally was not as appropriate as 'who' frequently dominated  the obsessive qualities of his imagination.  To add to the elation of her presence within his head Caleb had just walked out of a mid-term for a class he had been extremely nervous about and was confidently stepping with a strut and air of utter and complete success. Waiting to occupy his time for the rest of the day was a series of good friends, all of whom had contributed to the intense happiness he currently felt.

Some time ago, perhaps years, Caleb had felt this way but in between was no laughing matter. Depression, anger and a whole lot of self loathing ruled over that time period with a heavy iron fist. With no empathy or consideration for Caleb's well being the fist had done a considerable amount of damage on the mental well being of the young mind that already was not in the best state. The damage done was irreversible, but the extent of his current joy made the difference in levels significant, so much so that as Caleb sat and reflected upon his life and the current joy he felt his eyes began to swell and the urge to tear up filled him. These tears though were not a product of the sadness but of the supreme serenity and lifted state of being.

"Soak it up." Caleb told himself as he also began to reflect upon his studies of Buddhism. Everything in the existence of the known universe is subject to change and subservient to the stubborn master that is time. Absolutely everything is subject to change as Caleb was sure he too was.  More so than than any organic or otherwise molecular structure being subject to the harsh reality of change is suffering and joy. Caleb was well aware that what he was currently feeling was too temporary especially given the fact that his suffering still seemed fresh in his memory. But no matter the current state equilibrium was impossible because even the master that is time served the God of chaos.

Chaos birthed the universe and all we see before it, but since that miraculous moment of conception reality seems to constantly fluctuate between order to disorder. Creation, being the state in between initial and eventual chaos, is analogous to the creation of suffering or joy in the sense that suffering turns to joy in the form created endorphins. In the end though there will always be nothing, the cessation of creation, just as there was nothing before. But the balance is never set, nothing is forever, not even the vast emptiness that is the essence of chaos. There is always a fluctuation between order and chaos just as the balance between suffering and joy is never constant.

Caleb reflected upon all of this all the while continuing his autonomous sips and mindless observations of the physical world around him. Still the elation that became energy within him was intense but looked upon as only temporary so Caleb for once allowed an emotion, that emotion, to be completely embraced. His heart beat faster with the thought of his female interest, his confidence boasted by the success of his scholarly endeavors, and his self boosted by the amount of companionship he had felt for his friends. Caleb loved this feeling and allowed it to take him over but keeping in mind that it was not going to last forever.  This realization was not depressing though because he was convinced that he only truly understood what he was feeling because of his past experiences of suffering and so he was grateful. Despite those who passed by none had noticed the single tear escape from his eye and his successful attempt to remove it.

A Whispering Wind

Perhaps counterfeit,
A whispering wind
carries upon it
hope with no chagrin.

An ear to listen
but a heart to hear.
The wind's addiction,
the deaf man's fear.

Nostalgia, the breeze,
the kiss on my face,
whispering of trees
and swaying in place.

A wind from due south,
A wind from far north.
From the dragon's mouth
to you coming forth.

From her torrent sound
whisking me about,
I have lost my ground,
my hope lost in doubt.

You blow me away
and leave but my heart.
And I fear to stay,
it tears me apart.

I fear to move on
from her gentle blow
but you bring upon
a message you know.

Now my words impart
a secret held close
to this weary heart
and under your nose.

You have inspired
the wind to carry
a love transpired
so sweet, so scary

The Crow

Pitch black feathers that consume the surrounding light, glass eyes and a pale yellow beak, scale talons with scorched and callused bottoms; the crow sat with a slightly turned head and stared deeply into Caleb's eyes. He was washed up on shore and a product of a failed endeavor. The crow stared deeply within and Caleb heard a mysterious voice echo inside his head but it was completely inaudible due to being buried beneath its muffled sound. Still the words were heard and the meaning understood. Caleb climbed to his feet but the crow did not move and instead closely studied his every move. Both were at the bottom of a pebbly bank touching the cold muddy brown river water. In front was a large grassy hill that supported one edge of the steel bridge and the complete path of the weathered and cracked road of the desert highway.

Caleb reached the top of the hill and found his vehicle sitting exactly where he had left it, the crow nowhere to be found. The car was a beautiful white cutlass sierra, a Cadillac Oldsmobile manufactured in the spring of  '97. Inside upholstery was a blue felt and the dash a course plastic. The passenger window was stuck down and could not be rolled up, the lining on the ceiling seemed to have lost its hold and drooped down towards the center. Dirt and dust sat in a thick layer on the dash against the cracked tinted window-shield. When Caleb switched gears the indicator was always off by one so it always seemed set on the preceding setting. His horn only worked by completing the connection between a pivoting wire rod and the metal board in the center of the steering wheel. This car was beaten and poorly maintained yet always provided a reliable sense of transportation. Caleb had named her 'Yolanda', and once again she had brought him safely home. A brief moment was needed before he could exit the car and return to the misery that was his life. But the crow was right and so Caleb exited Yolanda and made his way through the flagstone pathway that sat on top of the well landscaped St.Augustine grass. The door was unlocked and as soon as it was open the smell of a cooking dinner entered his nostrils. Caleb did not have to guess, every night it was the same: chicken breast, white rice and ranch styled beans. It never changed because her tastes never changed.

Caleb was still soaking wet when he tracked mud on the white linoleum carpet on his way to the kitchen. He sat down at the oak wood dinner table and stared off into the light. Eleanoria was still cooking but as soon as Caleb entered her sight she flew into a rage. Caleb remained stoic as the anger directed at him came forth and invigorated the emphasis of the crow's message. Eleanoria hated that he never expressed his emotions and would purposefully abuse him verbally in order to coax a reaction out of him. Understandably she was upset about the mess tracked in and Caleb's soaking wet clothes that was dripping muddy water onto the light blue tile floor. Even when pressed for an explanation Caleb could not answer, he could not be honest with her which she knew and had hated him for. Fed up with a one way argument Eleanoria served Caleb his hastily made dinner and with a turn of a cold shoulder she retired to the bedroom. 

The chicken was slightly blackened and the meat still moist from the steam. As usual the rice was over done and sat in a pile of mush against the still steaming hot beans. Caleb always ate in rotation so that the three portions were reduced equally. The beans were always left alone but the rice was lightly dressed with Worcestershire sauce and the chicken cut into pieces and dipped into a puddle of Tapatio hot sauce. Caleb finished the meal satisfied in his hunger but unsatisfied in the monotony. He left his plate and silverware at the table and simply just got up.  The bedroom was to be avoided so he made his way to the backyard. Like most addicts Caleb had a ritual and stuck to it religiously. 

First the green leafy substance was broken up and put into a black pipe crucible that had been separated from its body and inserted into an orange Gatorade bottle cap. The bottle had a small hole burned into the bottom that Caleb plugged with his finger as he filled the container with water from the spigot. Carefully the cap was screwed on and the substance lit with a lighter while allowing the water to flow out and onto the white rocks below. A cloud of white smoke filled the plastic bottle as the water completely emptied out and just after Caleb unscrewed the cap and put his lips to the bottle breathing in deeply. As usual he tilted his head backwards and held in his breath clenching his eyes shut. The stress in his lungs grew more intense and just as he felt a light head come on he released the smoke and opened his eyes. The high was intense and caused his head to feel heavy and his eyes to turn red. This time though as Caleb opened them he found them resting upon the black crow staring back at him underneath the pale light poorly emitted from a sick moon. 

Slowly the voice grew in his head until it got so loud that Caleb retreated to the safety of his home. Hoping Eleanoria had fallen asleep Caleb went to his bedroom and found his suspicion to be true. She lay on her side of the bed with her back turned towards the door. Darkness filled the room except for a thin strip of light that escaped from the plastic blinds. The pale light gently illuminated her figure beneath the brown comforter. Caleb made his way to her side and watched over her. Her breaths were light and her chest gently moved back and forth. She was so beautiful but beneath the surface lay a monster, disrespectful, impugning, proficient in the art of passive verbal warfare, emotionally unstable and borderline crazy; yet he loved her. Despite all of her many flaws there was no doubt the intensity of his love covered every atom that comprised of her. But he felt a divide forming between them and feared he was losing her and at the same time feared the misery entailed with loving her. 

Eleanoria did not stir due to his presence but did slightly shift her body and let out a long sigh. Across the room next to the door sat the crow on top of a varnished wood dresser. Looking back and forth from Eleanoria to Caleb the crow remained deadly silent and completely still. A tension filled the room and Caleb's heart beat incredibly fast. Adrenaline rushed through his body and Caleb moved his hands towards Eleanoria's neck. She slowly began to wake as his grip became stronger around her throat. Quickly she reacted to the danger she was in and began fighting off Caleb. Any attempt to scream for help was lost beneath his increasingly strong stranglehold. Eleanoria was a nervous nail biter and could not claw her way out, neither could she overpower his incredible strength. And despite the amount of power already exhibited Caleb searched himself for even more. Her eyes grew red with blood and eventually she lost what strength she had and gave into the struggle. The whole fight did not last long. Caleb looked for the crow but it was gone and in its place only a dark shadow remained. Eleanoria lay perfectly still, her skin a pale white and a look of terror on her lifeless face. 

Caleb left the bedroom and took his seat on the brown recliner in front of his living room television. Heart still racing and the adrenaline still coursing through him Caleb lost himself in his high and he replayed the events in his head. On the screen were a series of acts with an explicit nature. The intensity of the rush he felt! How amazing it was to control the fate of a persons life, to hold in hand the decision to either give peace and life or the sweet softness of death. Caleb had decided and was pleased with his decision. This would be the second time time his hands would bring him great pleasure. The night could not end yet though because unfinished business remained. 

The next day eventually came though and in their cul-de-sac a chili cook off commenced. Just the night before Eleanoria had prepared an amazing Texas style chili. Caleb only made slight adjustments before taking his wife's chili to the prepared stand. By midday all of the stands were stocked and the street was flooded with contestants and onlookers. It was not a steady flow but many had come by and taken a bowl of Eleanorias prepared chili. All enjoyed the taste of the dish and insisted that Caleb give Eleanoria their regards. High above the street sitting on the top of a lamp post was the crow. The beak was slightly parted to reveal human teeth and the crow seemed to be smiling. Caleb laughed at the sight and the onlookers were curious as to the hysteria, perhaps it was his soaking wet clothes. The crow stared over to Caleb and began cackling but never winning the attention of the crowd. And Caleb laughed even harder because he too understood that his attempt was anything but unsuccessful.

C.R.

Caged

For the past few minutes I have sat completely silent and completely still watching my pet hamster desperately attempt to gnaw at the cold aluminum cage. His teeth are not nearly a match for the hard metal, at most he could do is chip away at the yellow paint and even in that regard he struggles. When finally he gives up he retreats to the corner as if to contemplate another idea. Finally coming to some epiphany the hamster furiously digs away at the wood chips beneath him and clear to the bottom of the translucent green plastic. I do not know for how long but he clawed at that solid floor gaining absolutely no progress. He even proceeded to climb the metal cage and begin clawing at the purple plastic top. Such a desperate attempt at freedom was quite striking to witness.

This whole thing proceeds to repeat itself for what feels like an hour, again no progress is made. The sad reality is that this is not the first occurrence. Every day for the same amount of time this small animal attempts to escape. He hits the exact same points for the same amount of time. But he will never escape, the cage is his prison and his home. Still though he  tries but the fate is always the same and he will continue his pointless attempts up until the day he dies.

Sometimes I wonder if there is a human soul within him, a person of an evil nature forced to spend his next life as a hamster. Perhaps that is why he tries to bite me every time I stick my hand in his cage. I don't blame him though, that fate would be terrible. For the rest of his life he will be confined to this terribly colored cage that will sit upon the same counter in the same room and under the ownership of me, his god-devil. I say that because without me he would not be fed, hydrated, sheltered and protected from the exposure to danger. In the same act of kindness I also show him hell through the same brand of food fed to him day after day with no change willing to initiate within. He will drink tap water for the rest of his life and only have it replenished when I see that it is getting low.

What drives this small creature to get up every day with a new strength to try again? Does he remember the utter failure of the life before him? But I cannot let you go dear friend! You would surely die at the hands of some predator, most likely a cat from next door. You were born and raised in a nursery until you came to sit upon my counter, how would know how to survive out there? But he does not think about what he would do because that is so far out of reach he has no sense of it. All he knows is to escape and as sad as it may seem he will never see the fulfillment of his mission. He will not only die here, but he will die here with disappointment. And I? I will move on, probably get another hamster and he will be forgotten. How tragic.

At times I can empathize with his pain for I too feel confined to my world. Do not get me wrong, the earth is full of amazing sites to be seen but that is not what I desire. I do not wish to see a world that has already been seen. I want to drift among the stars and galaxies, seeing the far reaches of space. Just like the hamster I do not wish to be confined to the present, I every day by means of my education desperately attempt to break free from this prison of ignorance. I must escape and only through knowledge can I break free from my cage. Only through expanding my mind and my capabilities can I refuse the monotony and ask why. Unlike the hamster I have the amazing ability to be cognitive. I learn and adapt and seek my escape not by clawing at the plastic or turning my back but by analyzing the strength of the material and the optimal way to manipulate that material's properties to my advantage.

Being human in that regard is a perk, but still I see the members of my own species resign to accept their existence. They have willingly allowed themselves to continue their life of ignorance. Do they not see the autonomy in their conformity? Ignorance and stupidity are the weapons of the powerful to impugn the weak. How skillful they were in their enterprise for watch how the people acquiesce to them in droves! No need to trick and remain subtle, nowadays people are begging to join the cult. Like hamsters all of them! These are the ones content with the hard tap water and monotony of their lives. These are the ones that refuse to question their realities. They are content because they are told they are content. But I wont. I will not be content with my reality because I am intent on escaping. I will unravel the secrets of the universe, I will uncover unimaginable reaches and bear witness to the beauty of space as it is before my own eyes. The stars will dance with me among the far reaches of space. The different chemicals burning in the hearts of stars create a light show that extends in an infinite distance in infinite directions. Distant explosions echo through the vacancies and bring forth a wave of force. Millions, nay trillions and more atoms are spread throughout the universe in every direction. The very building blocks to make life are birthed right before my eyes and with this scene I am not content, I am happy.

I do not think that the hamster requires internal strength to desperately escape. He is just an animal with a small brain, I doubt he even remembers the previous day. Maybe in the sense of certain neurological retainers like smell and taste but he is stupid and does not formulate the type of thoughts humans do. Still there is no doubt that his suffering is terrible. Besides the point that he is probably not even aware he is suffering, the very idea of his existence is terrible. To forever live in his prison confined to a defined volume and a way of living sounds like hell. It is hell. Only getting fresh water when I deem necessary and even worse having to live out his existence alone without a companion, what hell! I have willingly allowed this creature to suffer this terrible fate simply because I have decided that any alternate reality for him would be worse. I, a kind and cruel master, decides his fate. Even God gave man free will, the right to live and die by ones one decisions, but I am not as benevolent as God. Do you see it? Do you see the contradiction though between our relationships? I can always come to one conclusion, can you see where it leads?

C.R.

Shakespearean Twist

You inspire me and it all started with your eyes, a beautiful blue that not even God could duplicate. They are your own, and through them you peered into my soul. I was not ready for them to break me so easily yet I was not opposed to their attraction.  You sat across the table from me, flicking a "Bic" lighter on and off coming in and out of view. Even through the darkness your piercing blue eyes shimmered like starlight. A dancing flame for one ephemeral moment brought attention that you were staring directly to me and bringing light to your face, porcelain white against the dark shadows. Could you see me staring back as you looked past the conversation going on around us and directly at me?

We made eye contact through the flickering flame for just a moment. Either you were embarrassed or you were sending me a message because you let a small smirk escape. So warming and and thrilling, my heart began beating faster. A slight rush at first but later it would become an infection of my mind. I could not close my eyes without seeing you in the shadow smiling back at me.  I constantly wondered why I could not forget your eyes, the way that you looked through me and not just at me. You completely saw through all of my walls and emotional shells, you saw the raw pain and emotion that existed within and with one warming smile you found a way to distract me from all of my worries. I thought I had died and gone to heaven, but as you continued to stare back at me I realized that I had not died and that in fact heaven was brought to me through you.

What were you looking for? Understand me correctly when I say that I became addicted to your stare. When you let your small smirk and glance direct it's influence my way, I felt a high unparalleled to anything tangible. To be honest most of my earlier appearances were solely motivated to just catch your look, it was very selfish. I was constantly coming up with ways to attract your attention and keep you as involved as possible. It was all for your eyes, all for the feeling of basking in the aura of your supreme beauty. As I got to know you, study your quirks, I found a person within you that made me truly happy to be around. Your smile was now simply the window into what I found within you and it was glorious. All past convictions occurring the opposite sex seemed lost. You proved them all wrong. What I thought could never exist now willingly allowed me to stare back into it's eyes and attempt to unlock your soul.  The feeling was amazing. I had not felt that amount of happiness in a very long time. And you inspired so much, giving me the confidence to step up and better myself, to initiate a change. A literal transformation of the self.

I feel confident that it was you though who inspired this change. For a long time I was going no where. I was shut down and shut out from feeling anything. I needed your enlightenment. I had already found the path but it was befallen with darkness. How could I have emerged without your illumination? Never before had I asked myself questions so revealing and raw. How was it that your eyes could incite such an internal revolution?

I was afraid of putting this on paper, because now it is real, now it is a truth I must embrace. Like all things though it not simple and romantic. Edgar Allen Poe, John Steinbeck, and even Shakespeare saw an element of life that most turned away from. What did they see? They saw the harsh realities of life. In their stories the main character was not always guaranteed a happy ending. Often they died or lived a life of unrequited love. There is beauty in their works because it brings to the imagination a picture of true life. Many times the concepts they play around with spend their existence simply in the far hidden sections of the mind. They put words to the harsh realizations, they broke free from the monotonous fairy tale picturesque fantasies. They knew the truth, that life is tragic and cold. So why should love be any different?

I wonder if my fascination for your eyes blinded a truth that was right in front of me. Please believe me that I say this with pure sincerity  and born from a simple frustration at the the confusion, your words are cryptic. They take me on a roller coaster of excitement. Once I am convinced you are trying to tell me something, hint at the way you feel about me you completely steer in the other direction. Obviously you are not interested which is completely understandable given your situation. But a second later you are building me back up to a false inclination. You provided very specific similarities to keep an eye out for, similarities that you know we share. Then you pressed the denial of something right in front of my eyes. Were you trying to tell me something? When you said I need to find that person where a conversation can be fluidly had as late as 4 o' clock in the morning, did you realize we had been talking all through the night and it was 4 o' clock in the morning? Again you pressed the fact that I could be missing out on the greatest thing of my life, something right in front of me. "Sometimes you will just find love,"you lectured to me,"you don't like it, you don't want it but you feel it. And you will be missing out on the greatest experience of your life if you hide away from it."  You seemed frustrated, as if maybe you were feeling something, you didn't want to but you do.

Now the harsh reality. Now the Shakespearean twist. It does not matter how comfortable I am around you, or how great of a person I think you are. It does not matter that I have for once found some one I truly want to be around. It does not matter that I have already found that one person you were explaining that I need. But if all my previous inferences are wrong and you feel nothing, you have no how idea how truly tragic this is.  So you tell me what I need in a woman, and unknown to you you are explaining yourself. I can see that clearly, can you not? You tell me to go after it like an objective in Risk, but it is not that simple. Do you know who you are? You tell me to not deny love and that if I feel it then I need to put myself out there and go for it. Oh, if you knew the tragedy that is boiling beneath the surface. Do you know who you are? If you do then you would understand why I must continue my solitude. 

Nothing shall ever be said of my feelings and that kills me. It makes me feel even more alone because now that we have established a great friendship, how could I ever separate myself from you? I am fated to exist in this constant silent obsession. Nothing will ever break my will though, I will always be the shoulder and the ear that you need. When you need some one to keep you company late at night because you feel lonely, I will always be willing to sit with you. And when you look at me you will always be ignorant to the true meaning behind my stare.A secret that will be brought to the grave. I only wrote this to show that I too possess the ability to allow love to trump logic yet some how a logical approach was needed to find acceptance in my fate. With harsh realities and Shakespearean love, logic and reason is the only safe harbor. Do not traverse the depths of feelings in the turbulent sea of love when you can sit safely atop a logically built boat, alone but safe.

C.R.