Caleb fixed his collar and checked his edges, they always seem to fold up around his waist. It had been a long time since his expectations were as high as they were, despite the red flags that he had seen. What was it that drove him emotionally? He had only two loves in his life and both ended in pain and even still Caleb found himself falling into the pitfalls. Nervousness coursed through him, a good sign. At first the night was supposed to be shared by only himself and her, but she saw it in a different light as she had spread the word and other people were to join. The news was not received as it should have been though. Obviously this girl did not share the same perspective and Caleb should have realized it but foolishly overlooked it. Even when the suspicion rose inside of him he simply pushed it away from the logic of his thoughts and continued his illusion. Often he found himself in a separate reality, it was much easier to deal with. Still though, the meeting time was set and Caleb waited patiently in a strategic location so that any of the people arriving would easily be seen. The time to meet was only minutes after his arrival and so Caleb was sure the wait would not be very long.
The table was just out front of an ice cream shop where numerous couples sat and enjoyed each others company. He missed that dynamic. His last relationship ended bitterly and still he struggled to get over it and having the company of his friends was gonna help, it was just a matter of waiting. Still, Caleb's greatest weakness was his own mind. For some reason whenever his time went idle, his thoughts began to race and conduct their destruction. He had his own flaws as well that fueled his destructive mind. Often he found himself upset, or depressed and instead of dealing with them in a healthy manner he would instead find ways to run as far as he could away from them. At first it was done through music and writing, but as he matured so did his conduits for abandonment. Alcohol, drugs, and self deprecation became the preferred outlets. Caleb was the type of guy who often loaded his plate with more than he could handle, he would also tend to put aside his own happiness for his ironic pursuit of happiness. Losing his love was a difficult situation to handle, and in the wake of the loss Caleb threw himself into his preferred outlets and found himself drowning in intoxication. He easily found success in work and school but love is where he always struggled and now being in the market once again he felt stranded. Still this opportunity with a new girl excited him and filled him with great expectations. She was beautiful and very intelligent. Knowing he was vulnerable Caleb ignored his internal warnings and sat with patience for the her and everyone else to show up.
An hour went by of being surrounded by happy couples and families walking up and down the marketplace. Surrounded by joy and joviality, Caleb felt abandoned and upset. Finally he got up from his strategic seat and walked the front of the meeting place and a pit formed in his stomach. Obviously his friends and her had arrived but had made their way in without him. It was the last thing he needed, and the emotion pulled him strongly. And as he walked out giving up on the expectations he had learned a lesson that he would never forget. In everyone's lives there are certain experiences that shape and mold based off of what happens and how we deal with it. The first he had ever realized the coldness of women was from a red headed young flame. She was his first love, and he adored her so. Just as he began to feel confident in their love she raised their hands when embraced and grimaced. "Do you feel that?" She asked.
Caleb could not figure out what she was trying to hint at. "No?"
"The spark? Theres no spark anymore."
Wait, what is she trying to say? "The spark? What do you mean?"
"I just don't feel that connection anymore."
Minutes later she broke up with him, and the next day she was with some one else. The pain was intense, his first love and his first real emotional loss. The next love would be more intense, and the loss even more painful. For years they had been together, the dirty blonde and him, and when he had needed her most instead she left. The lesson he learned from her? Love can be fickle. But this was a new pain. There was no relationship prior to being friends, but the new found interest gave him a shred of happiness which was more than he was accustomed to. Because the joy felt so great, and the expectations brought light to his darkness Caleb forgot logic and just followed through on his feelings. The betrayal was intense though, and walking out of the market place he was fuming. In one stroke she had ruined any chance that there could have been something to found a relationship on. But that was his problem, that expectation itself. His lesson was not of women like the redhead, or the abstract concept of love from the dirty blonde. This epiphany came on the grounds of a self realization. There was no understanding that a relationship was even expected but a single idea turned into great expectations. The little joy was tapped into so quickly he did not think past what was right before him.
Women can be cold, but so can men. Love can be fickle, but is one of the greatest discoveries when stumbled upon. And above anything, the self should be protected. A person is vulnerable for a reason Caleb believed, it was a kind of alarm system that warned the person when pain was going to be intense. It did not matter what other people said was healthy, his new found lesson brought him to one conclusion: He would be more reserved and patient in his expectations. He would recede into himself and try to find the light within for surely any chance of it being in some one else is non existent.
C.R.
No comments:
Post a Comment