You inspire me and it all started with your eyes, a beautiful blue that not even God could duplicate. They are your own, and through them you peered into my soul. I was not ready for them to break me so easily yet I was not opposed to their attraction. You sat across the table from me, flicking a "Bic" lighter on and off coming in and out of view. Even through the darkness your piercing blue eyes shimmered like starlight. A dancing flame for one ephemeral moment brought attention that you were staring directly to me and bringing light to your face, porcelain white against the dark shadows. Could you see me staring back as you looked past the conversation going on around us and directly at me?
We made eye contact through the flickering flame for just a moment. Either you were embarrassed or you were sending me a message because you let a small smirk escape. So warming and and thrilling, my heart began beating faster. A slight rush at first but later it would become an infection of my mind. I could not close my eyes without seeing you in the shadow smiling back at me. I constantly wondered why I could not forget your eyes, the way that you looked through me and not just at me. You completely saw through all of my walls and emotional shells, you saw the raw pain and emotion that existed within and with one warming smile you found a way to distract me from all of my worries. I thought I had died and gone to heaven, but as you continued to stare back at me I realized that I had not died and that in fact heaven was brought to me through you.
What were you looking for? Understand me correctly when I say that I became addicted to your stare. When you let your small smirk and glance direct it's influence my way, I felt a high unparalleled to anything tangible. To be honest most of my earlier appearances were solely motivated to just catch your look, it was very selfish. I was constantly coming up with ways to attract your attention and keep you as involved as possible. It was all for your eyes, all for the feeling of basking in the aura of your supreme beauty. As I got to know you, study your quirks, I found a person within you that made me truly happy to be around. Your smile was now simply the window into what I found within you and it was glorious. All past convictions occurring the opposite sex seemed lost. You proved them all wrong. What I thought could never exist now willingly allowed me to stare back into it's eyes and attempt to unlock your soul. The feeling was amazing. I had not felt that amount of happiness in a very long time. And you inspired so much, giving me the confidence to step up and better myself, to initiate a change. A literal transformation of the self.
I feel confident that it was you though who inspired this change. For a long time I was going no where. I was shut down and shut out from feeling anything. I needed your enlightenment. I had already found the path but it was befallen with darkness. How could I have emerged without your illumination? Never before had I asked myself questions so revealing and raw. How was it that your eyes could incite such an internal revolution?
I was afraid of putting this on paper, because now it is real, now it is a truth I must embrace. Like all things though it not simple and romantic. Edgar Allen Poe, John Steinbeck, and even Shakespeare saw an element of life that most turned away from. What did they see? They saw the harsh realities of life. In their stories the main character was not always guaranteed a happy ending. Often they died or lived a life of unrequited love. There is beauty in their works because it brings to the imagination a picture of true life. Many times the concepts they play around with spend their existence simply in the far hidden sections of the mind. They put words to the harsh realizations, they broke free from the monotonous fairy tale picturesque fantasies. They knew the truth, that life is tragic and cold. So why should love be any different?
I wonder if my fascination for your eyes blinded a truth that was right in front of me. Please believe me that I say this with pure sincerity and born from a simple frustration at the the confusion, your words are cryptic. They take me on a roller coaster of excitement. Once I am convinced you are trying to tell me something, hint at the way you feel about me you completely steer in the other direction. Obviously you are not interested which is completely understandable given your situation. But a second later you are building me back up to a false inclination. You provided very specific similarities to keep an eye out for, similarities that you know we share. Then you pressed the denial of something right in front of my eyes. Were you trying to tell me something? When you said I need to find that person where a conversation can be fluidly had as late as 4 o' clock in the morning, did you realize we had been talking all through the night and it was 4 o' clock in the morning? Again you pressed the fact that I could be missing out on the greatest thing of my life, something right in front of me. "Sometimes you will just find love,"you lectured to me,"you don't like it, you don't want it but you feel it. And you will be missing out on the greatest experience of your life if you hide away from it." You seemed frustrated, as if maybe you were feeling something, you didn't want to but you do.
Now the harsh reality. Now the Shakespearean twist. It does not matter how comfortable I am around you, or how great of a person I think you are. It does not matter that I have for once found some one I truly want to be around. It does not matter that I have already found that one person you were explaining that I need. But if all my previous inferences are wrong and you feel nothing, you have no how idea how truly tragic this is. So you tell me what I need in a woman, and unknown to you you are explaining yourself. I can see that clearly, can you not? You tell me to go after it like an objective in Risk, but it is not that simple. Do you know who you are? You tell me to not deny love and that if I feel it then I need to put myself out there and go for it. Oh, if you knew the tragedy that is boiling beneath the surface. Do you know who you are? If you do then you would understand why I must continue my solitude.
Nothing shall ever be said of my feelings and that kills me. It makes me feel even more alone because now that we have established a great friendship, how could I ever separate myself from you? I am fated to exist in this constant silent obsession. Nothing will ever break my will though, I will always be the shoulder and the ear that you need. When you need some one to keep you company late at night because you feel lonely, I will always be willing to sit with you. And when you look at me you will always be ignorant to the true meaning behind my stare.A secret that will be brought to the grave. I only wrote this to show that I too possess the ability to allow love to trump logic yet some how a logical approach was needed to find acceptance in my fate. With harsh realities and Shakespearean love, logic and reason is the only safe harbor. Do not traverse the depths of feelings in the turbulent sea of love when you can sit safely atop a logically built boat, alone but safe.
C.R.
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