Smith and Braeburn

Setting: On the end of a tree branch in an apple orchard that is in southern California. Midday with a sunny clear sky. Modern Day.

Characters:

Apple 1: Smith

Apple 2: Braeburn

A dialogue between two apples:

Braeburn: Do you feel a moral responsibility for the fall of man?

Smith: No, why would I?          

Braeburn: 'Cuz we're apples

Smith: Ya but we got nothing to do with that. That was along ass time ago.

Braeburn: Still, our kind played a huge role in the matter I figured we have some responsibility.

Smith:          No, those apples were eaten fuckin ages ago. We weren't even a fucking thought. Besides no apple convinced those two dumb-shits to eat anything. It was all that serpent's fault.

Braeburn: You think it would have been different if apples weren't involved?

Smith:           You mean like if it were another fruit?

Braeburn:      Ya but what if it wasn't even fruit? What if it was something weird like a goat?

Smith:           Hahaha, a goat? Like some forbidden goat that can't be eaten? Can't even be pet?

Braeburn: Ya it's the goat of knowledge, haha. In order to obtain the knowledge though you have to have sex with the goat. You think they still would have done it?

Smith:           Hahaha, That's insane. I don't think they would.

Braeburn:      The serpent would have had to really step up his game.

Smith: Could you imagine that? Adam is walking through the garden where he encounters the goat of knowledge. Out of nowhere a snake shows up and is like "Hey bro, you should totally fuck that goat."

Braeburn:      You think Satan could convince him? What would it take?

Smith:          Dude it would take some fucking balls! I bet if that was the case there'd be a lot more people worshiping him, haha. "Ya I worship Satan, the dude that convinced God's first human to fuck a goat."

Braeburn:      Satan would be a total bad ass! It would make the whole bible a lot more interesting to go get into. Think about it, opening up the bible and on the first page and Boom! Bestiality! When you start off with bestiality bro, you are starting out with a fucking bang!

Smith:           Ha! Ya, literally. But the real question Braeburn is whether or not you'd fuck the goat.

Braeburn:     Haha, I couldn't even if I wanted to, I'm an apple.

Smith:          I mean if you were Adam and had a penis would you do it?

Braeburn:     Of course not!

Smith:          Yes you would! Come on! Really think about it. You can have all the knowledge in the world, the universe even and all you gotta do is one simple thing. Put your penis in the goat.

Braeburn:     Just once?

Smith:          For all the knowledge in the universe? Nah bro, you gotta finish in that bitch. I mean you gotta really be in there!

Braeburn:    Haha, this is so wrong,

Smith:         Ya but you would do it huh?

Braeburn:    Haha, No!

Smith:         Dude it’s only one goat and it would probably last what? A couple seconds? Just a couple of seconds of weird goat sex and you'd be completely omniscient.

Braeburn:   Dude, it’s goat sex.

Smith: Ok look, put yourself into Adam's position here. This dude has got supreme ignorance. We are talking about the very beginning of everything so Adam knows only what God has told him and that motherfucker hasn't said shit other than a bunch of stuff you can't do. He literally knows nothing. So you being Adam and dumb as fuck encounter this mystical off-limits goat and another mystical animal comes out of nowhere and tells you an amazing story. The story is of all the knowledge of knowing emotions and feelings and a deeper understanding of the self and the world. This gift is easily obtainable too because all you gotta do is for a couple of seconds have erotic and what might be actually quite enjoyable man on goat fornication. You would not do it?

Braeburn:    Haha, OK Smith, I might then.

Smith:         Ew! That's crazy.

Braeburn:     Would you?

Smith:           Fuck the goat!? Hell no! That's disgusting!

Braeburn:     Haha, you dick.

Smith:          Haha. Dude something kind of unrelated but not really, you hear 'bout Jesus?

Braeburn:     Oh ya I did. I heard he moved to Cali?

Smith:          Which doesn't make sense 'cuz I thought he said he was all 'bout that New York life?

Braeburn:     Ya well the dude was also s'pose to "come like a thief in the night..."

Smith:          Ya and bring about Armageddon...

Braeburn:      Instead the dude is partying with P-Diddy in LA.

Smith:           How did that even happen?

Braeburn:      Dude its P-Diddy, who doesn't wanna party with him?

Smith:           No the whole forsaking being the son of God stuff.

Braeburn:      I mean he'll always be the son of God. When he descended from heaven a little while back ago he did so in fucking New York City. The last thing the dude saw was the fucking deserts of Jerusalem and shit back in the day. Can you imagine going to modern day New York and seeing the difference? Haha, you think you would still bring about the end of everything? Fuck that!

Smith:           So his fateful 3rd coming ends up in him changing his mind?

Braeburn:     Well can you blame him? When this was all foretold originally people had nothing bro. There weren't toilets or T.V., negative numbers didn't even exist.

Smith:          Ya but shouldn't he have seen this stuff happening like while he was in heaven or something?

Braeburn:     Dude honestly, heaven sounds like a prison compared to Earth. Could you imagine being in a church environment twenty four seven for the rest of eternity?

Smith:         Haha, ya for reals. I'll take my chance in hell.

Braeburn:    Too bad apples don't go to hell.

Smith:         Do we go to heaven?

Braeburn:    You know what? I don't know. I mean I don't even think we can sin.

Smith:         Well if we worship Satan we can sin.

Braeburn:    But we're apples. Adam and Eve sinned and all mankind had to deal with that until Jesus came around.

Smith:         Ya so?

Braeburn:    Well we are not humans, we are no even a part of mankind. We can't sin because technically we never experienced original sin.

Smith:         Shit man, that's deep. But then even mankind is good right? Why is there even a need for an Armageddon if everyone's sins are covered? Isn't that why Jesus was crucified.

Braeburn:    No. Jesus was crucified because Adam and Eve's sin. Now that that is over with it is up to man to seek the kingdom of heaven.

Smith:         So he didn't die for our sins?

Braeburn:    No he did, but man still has to be repentant. It’s not the case that because Jesus died for them that they are guaranteed a place in heaven. There is still evil in the world so Jesus is still needed.

Smith:         So now what then? Jesus coming back was supposed to be the climactic culmination of it all. Does that mean Satan won?

Braeburn:    Satan didn't build the world, haha. He just filled it with evil and shit. Things aren't born evil they become it by our perceptions. If there was no God then good and evil would just be a manifestation of our society's idea of what is right and wrong. Instead our perceptions of good and evil lie within God's understanding. Anyways, man built everything within our societies. Good or evil it was us, not Satan and definitely not God. So technically if Jesus remains with man then technically man won.

Smith:         Well so far it seems like Jesus is choosing us over God. It’s what all the other apples talk about.

Braeburn:     I mean ya bro, porn and drugs! When I heard about that shit I nearly fell from the branch. Who would not want that shit?

Smith:   Haha, people who don't like porn and drugs.

Braeburn:    That's cool, they can go live in Utah and shit. You don't need religion to be tolerant, you just gotta be a decent person.

Smith:          Or a decent apple. So that's it then? Man won and God lost? Where do we fit in that mix?

Braeburn:    Well if God created man who created all of us then shit I guess he won a little bit too cuz that's pretty rad. But Satan didn't get destroyed so he kind of won too really. Really man created a situation where both God and Satan and man could win. Go man! As far as we go, we are completely insignificant. Eventually we will be picked and processed and then consumed being turned to energy to further fuel man and his exploits.

Smith:          And you are alright with this?

Braeburn:     I mean do we have a choice?

Smith:          Well if the son of God can turn away from his fate why can't we?

Braeburn:     Haha, 'cuz Smith, we are apples. We literally exist to feed man.

Smith:          Seems to me that the world would benefit in a better existence if there were no God. If we were just here by chance and not just for the consumption of humans at the will of an almighty God, we could have a much better meaning to live for. For us. For them and for us.

Braeburn:     Well we could be fucking goats right now.

Smith:          You maybe, Haha.

Braeburn:     Still though, we would only be apples.

Smith:          We would be free. We would exist for ourselves and not anyone else. That is the truest happiness.  

Braeburn:     Sounds arrogant.

Smith:          So be it.